First, congratulations to Cameron for winning a copy of The Sexy Librarian’s Big Book of Erotica!
Below you’ll find my favorite posts about sex and dating from September 2014. I’ve linked to the bloggers from last month on the sidebar, something I’ll do with this batch in November.
What did I miss? Please share your own favorites from the past month in the comments — self-promotion encouraged.
If you enjoy these posts, nominate them for an award! Kinkly is looking for sex blogging superheroes (you can vote for me here — just push the big pink button), and Rori is looking for the top sex bloggers of 2014.
The Pride of Being a Dom
I absolutely love what Jerusalem Mortimer says about respecting the yes. Consent is hugely important, but what to do when someone says yes is often left out of conversations about what consent looks like.
“There’s still a duty of care even when someone says “yes”. Consent isn’t the only consideration you take into account. But if a submissive says, “hurt me, rule me, and fuck me when I’m crushed,” and that’s something you both want, then you have to respect the submissive’s right to consent and get what she wants.”
The Pride of Being a Dom from Jerusalem Mortimer
Leading with Your Kink
Stabbity tackles one of my favorite topics: treating the person your want to date/fuck like a person.
“Shockingly enough, that’s more than a little off putting to me and many, many other women. Guys who I might have played with if they had approached me as if I had any value outside of what I can do for them, instead ensure that I will never, ever lay a hand on them. That’s where leading with your kink gets you.”
Leading with Your Kink from Not Just Bitchy
Online Dating Tips for [Everyone]
Arched Eyebrow wrote some tips for fat babes, but they apply to everyone who enjoys online dating. Her tip about the OkCupid plugin alone is worth the click.
“Don’t be at the mercy of everyone else: ask out the people you fancy, not the people you think will fancy you. This is my most important piece of advice. For the first year and a half-ish that I was on OkCupid, I had loads of dates, but 99% of the time, I didn’t fancy the people I was meeting. Why? Because I was letting my fat fears rule my choices, and going, primarily, for the ‘sort of people’ I thought would want to date me. I wasn’t even thinking about what I wanted, beyond ‘are they, like, at least 40% attractive?’.”
Online Dating Tips for the Fat Babe by Arched Eyebrow
Why kinky women are all just gold-digging, money-grabbing trash*
Cava Supernova offers some great advice on how to avoid both being scammed and being a douchebag.
“We all need to engage our scam deflectors the second we log on. ALL of us.
Plus, do you know how neanderthal it is to assume that women are so unsexual, they’re incapable of enjoying anything remotely deviant without expecting some sort of reward?”Why kinky women are all just gold-digging, money-grabbing trash by Cava Supernova
What Heteroflexible Means for Me
It turns out that I’m not that only one who finds labels confusing and irritating.
“I find the concept of labels baffling. In general, I feel like they’re unfair, tend to dislike them immensely, and work hard to keep them from sticking. In my past, I’ve been hurt by labels, and I rebelled against the stigma as I tried to make them fit the way I wanted, on my terms. Yet in the context of BDSM, I find I need a label to define who I am; the things I like.
What Heteroflexible Means for Me by Nikki Blue
True Sex Tale: Cici
Jill Hamilton shares Cici’s story of her sexless marriage. Bed-death is one of my irrational fears, so it was interesting to read about her continued attraction to her unresponsive husband.
“He doesn’t look at my body, doesn’t try to touch me, never sneaks in while I’m showering or grabs my ass while I’m cooking or talking on the telephone. He has never seduced me; has never unhooked my bra or looked at my body as he removed my panties. Sexy pictures and suggestive text messages make him uncomfortable and angry. He accuses me of being unstable – to whom else are you sending these photos? – and unsafe with technology when all I want is to tap into the primal, animal instinct that he must have… doesn’t he?”
True Sex Tale: Cici, “We have made love five times this year. It’s September.” from In Bed with Married Women
Down the Rabbit Hole
Jon MIllward did a fascinating analysis of sex toy sales. Here’s just a tiny snippet of his seemingly endless data:
“Men also buy large butt plugs at a much higher rate than women. Single straight guys are almost five times more likely than single straight women to buy a large butt plug and 76% more likely than attached straight men. Butt plugs with girths of 8 or more inches (which is as thick as a coke can) are bought by 1.8% of women who buy butt plugs, compared to 6.6% of men.”
Down the Rabbit Hole by Jon Millward
How Not to Be a Dick About Nude Selfies
The last time I told some guy I wasn’t going to send him nudes, he threatened to rape me. The joys of powerless men making unconvincing threats over the internet. TNW makes some excellent points when it comes to not being that guy.
“Predominantly a problem among young men, there’s a competitive element to gathering naked photos. They’ll bark at people with sex Tumblrs, saying exactly what they want and throwing hissy fits when they don’t get it. They’ll slut-shame someone for not spreading their holes open, when they should’ve been grateful for the photos they did get. They’ll try and amass as many naked selfies as possible, rather than getting turned-on by the few who wanted to send them.”
How Not to Be a Dick About Nude Selfies from Girl on the Net
Yo, Is This Sexist?
Dr. NerdLove does a great job of explaining Feminism 101.
“So I’m going to break in right at the start and point out the obvious irony: you’re asking me, a straight dude, to explain feminism to you. I mean, let’s be real here: I have at best a 101 level understanding of feminism. I’m by no means a scholar or authority on feminist issues, the history of the movement etc.”
Yo, Is This Sexist? A Conversation About Feminism and Sexism by Dr. NerdLove
California Enacts ‘Yes Means Yes’ Law, Defining Sexual Consent
“The law requires colleges that receive state funding to have policies covering more than a dozen situations that can arise in sexual assault or domestic violence cases, from protecting privacy to training campus officials and providing counseling for victims.”
California Enacts ‘Yes Means Yes’ Law, Defining Sexual Consent from NPR
Spanking Is Great for Sex
Jillian Keenan brings up an often-ignored aspect of corporal punishment.
My point is that when my husband spanks me—or Christian Grey spanks Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Grey—it’s the exact same physical act that parents do to kids every day. The only difference is that when we do it, it’s consensual, sexual, and adult; when parents do it, it’s nonconsensual, punitive, and involves a sobbing child.
Spanking is Great for Sex by Jillian Keenan