Penis size matters
Penis size matters because it influences the way people feel about themselves; it’s a perception that can build or destroy confidence, and confidence makes all the difference in sex and dating. I want to fuck and date people whose high opinion of themselves matches my high opinion of them. I think that can only happen if we treat all bodies with respect, even if they don’t match our fantasies.
Why am I writing about this? I get that reading about penis size from the perspective of a cis woman might not be logical, but this horrible culture of shame is creating some awful sex. The guy who thought having a big dick made him good in bed was just the tip of the…ha, well the tip of something.
A few years ago I was in bed with a friend and delighted to find myself there. This was someone I cared about and routinely had fun with, so sex sounded like a great time. As soon as his pants came off, things changed. He became tense and uncomfortable, so much so that we never did have sex. The problem? He had a tiny penis.
It was undeniably small and my first reaction (that I did not share) was to wonder if he had some sort of medical condition. My second reaction (that I did share) was enthusiasm over his foreskin. I’d never had sex with someone uncircumcised before and I was very into this particular new experience.
Unfortunately my genuine enthusiasm about one aspect of his penis was not enough to make up for his insecurity about another aspect. It was a frustrating evening for both of us, but if had he been able to feel more secure about his body, it could have been different. I still wanted to have sex with him after I saw his penis. While I do have preferences about penis size, I do not privilege those preferences over the actual body of the human being in bed with me.
Another incident occurred when I met a guy online and had an amazing time talking to him. We were arranging our first meeting and we both agreed that sex was an option, but not a given. Sounds good thus far, right?
It was great until he started talking about his penis. He wanted me to know before we even met that it wasn’t big. I’m not sure how small it was or if it was somewhere in the realm of average because his insecurities scared me away. I was fine with the idea of a smaller penis — I wanted to meet this person, and his penis size didn’t change that — but he just couldn’t believe that.
He talked about it for two solid hours until I didn’t want to hear another word about his dick and realized that the only way to make that happen was to never speak to him again. I’m sure he thinks that I ghosted because of his penis size, but I just didn’t share his size obsession. He thought he had a small cock and it destroyed both his confidence and our potential date.
Our cultural obsession with penis size fucks up my dates and hurts people I care about. There’s more to good sex than a big dick and there’s more to a person than dick size.
Our culture attempts to prey on our insecurities.
Everyone knows that size matters. It’s reinforced every day — I have a spam folder full of emails offering make make my nonexistent dick bigger. From an early age — years before puberty sets in — society tells us it is essential to have a big cock. Not only does size matter, it’s more important than anything else.
Preteens start shaming each other for the sin of potentially having a small penis and it only escalates from there. This is so profound and so common that even people with big dicks think they’re average or below average. The ideal of having a big dick seems so unattainable that the people who actually possess them are incapable of seeing themselves objectively.
That is unspeakably fucked up. Everyone deserves the power to look at their body and see it for what it is. Not only that, everyone should be able to love their body without having to compare it to external messages about its worth or lack thereof. This culture of shame is doing real damage.
Porn doesn’t help, of course
Most penis size discussions circle around to the sizes we see in porn. The actors in porn are almost always well above average and porn is often the first, and sometimes only, exposure people get to a variety of penises. Seeing nothing but statistically unlikely penises would skew anyone’s perspective. Not only might it make men think they’re small, it might give their partners unrealistic expectations.
I’ve slept with two men who did porn. One had an average sized penis and did not seem at all insecure. The other had a rather large penis, but spent most of his life believing he was below average. Part of the reason he chose to perform was to erase the stigma of having a small penis…an inaccurate stigma he felt compelled to assign to himself.
Masculinity is fucking vague
I don’t think porn is the big problem. I suspect that more and more people are completely at a loss about how to define masculinity. The definition often seems to be having sex at whim is masculine, thus porn is masculine, thus having a big dick is an important part of masculinity.
While I value masculinity, I think it’s a choice that people make, and you can choose to be masculine even if you do not have a penis at all. I know that having a small penis does not detract from my perception of anyone’s masculinity. It isn’t so ephemeral that one little thing (literally) can take it away.
I have a strict policy about only dating people who accept and appreciate my body. No one needs to worship every mole and eyelash, but they do have to be enthusiastic about the overall package. My body deserves respect and so does yours. We all have our preferences, but we need to be able to separate fantasy from reality and appreciate the real bodies we encounter.
Treating my partners’ bodies with respect and affection isn’t always enough, but it’s the least I can do. This was a long post about penis size and why it matter and honestly, I’m not sure I had anything more useful to say than this episode of South Park. Still, I hope it helps people understand that penis size matters because confidence matters.