Elust #60


Photo courtesy of Chintz Curtain.

Welcome to Elust #60 -

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #61? Start with the rules, come back August 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Shame Hurts

Of Cocks and Cunts: The Language of Erotica


~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

I may never suck another cock, but I’m still

The sofa

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

My Aftercare
YKINMK but My Kink is Not YOUR Kink either
Nerds, Pervs, and Jeffrey Dahmer
Sex Is Simple. That’s Why It’s So Complicated
Cuckolding. The Step Child of BDSM?
What Is A Man’s Role At A CFNM?
Happily whipping Jesus
What are your views on the ethics of kink?
FetLife and The Single Gal
How Porn and BDSM Helped Me

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Tall guys! You’re a bunch of sick perverts!
In Which I Fuck Up and My Uterus Saves Me
Why Is There So Much Shame?
Birds do it, Bees do it…
Little Lower Layer
Wooing, pursuing, romancing a dominant woman
Sexual Freedom. Why Do I Feel I Need to Hide.
Our Age Gap Shouldn’t Be Your Insecurity
Advanced kegel: stroking with only PC muscles
Impress your lover with these oral sex moves

Sex News,Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

The Hashtag Activism…It Burns It!
Sex Worker Etiquette
Rant Break: SCOTUS and Hobby Lobby Rage
Subs Need Classes Too!

Erotic Fiction

A Flight Attendants Secret
Festival car park fun
Private Performance
And The Band Played On
Consequences Part One


A warning for erotic writers and sex bloggers
Bloggy, Soggy, and Sexy

Erotic Non-Fiction

Don’t Ever Make Me Wait Again


Satan’s String – a Lusty Limerick

Writing About Writing

Writing Erotica for Trans Readers Pt 1

June Jubilee

First, congratulations to Sand — according to the Random Number Generator, she won a copy of The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy by Violet Blue! Thanks to everyone who commented; I had so much fun listening to the songs you suggested.

adult sex ed month

Adult Sex Ed Month

The big event in June was Adult Sex Ed Month — so much excellent material! A huge thanks to Ms. Quote at A Good Woman’s Dirty Mind for organizing it.

How Orgasm Saved My Life

At this point you may be wondering what the hell orgasm has to do with an eating disorder. In a word: everything. Our ability to experience pleasure, whether it be through food or sex, is intricately linked to our appetite.


When Women Pursue Sex, Even Men Don’t Get It

It turns out that slut-shaming leads to less sex for everyone. That’s right, attaching shame and stigma to something makes people less eager to engage in that thing.

Women want sex, and in particular, they want sex with people who really want them. But socially, many straight men still find it a turnoff when women are sexual aggressors. Which means that, for women, aggressively pursuing the thing they want actually leads to them not getting it. I suspect this is the source of much sexual dissatisfaction of the modern single lady, who’s so horny she’s running across the street to Walgreens to buy more batteries twice a week, but is unable to pick up men despite social conventions that men are “easy” to bed and women have to be coaxed into casual sex.


“I know I’m submissive. But where do I start?” aka “I just read Fifty Shades of Grey and I want THAT.”

Sinclair Sexsmith gives us a map on how to start submitting. It’s worth the click for the illustration alone.

Regardless of the Thing, you’ll learn. Pay attention. Put your phone away and really listen. Think about it as if you’re a scientist studying what these kinksters do. Why do they like it? What’s amazing about it? What makes them squirm, in good ways or bad ways? Even if it isn’t for you, you can still observe and learn.

The more brave you are, the more you’ll feel strong and capable and badass, and the more you’ll be able to do.


 True Tale: I Was a Grade School Nudist

Jill Hamilton identifies what turns something fun into something shameful:

For my sisters and I, it was the secret part that was so bad. We weren’t supposed to tell anyone about it. Knowing that I had a thing about me that people couldn’t know gave me a sense of shame that took years to shake.


Do As I Say, Not As I Do: The pushy double standards guys have to live with

Cava Supernova is hilarious and you should read her zealously.

The minute I feel cornered, I’ll block a dude, no matter how cool he seems – I wonder if they ever realise why? Probably not.

When I embarked on all this craziness, I was a bit wierded out to be told that women are in control.


On Why Penis Does Not Equal Power

Girl on the Net talks about power, who has it, and where it comes from. It’s really interesting to read another submissive woman’s take on this.

But it’s nice to take a step outside this every once in a while – think about what it is, exactly, that makes someone powerful. It might be different for different people: what makes him powerful is his voice, and the way he has with commands and words. What makes her powerful is the way she can speak volumes just with her eyes or a turn of her head. What makes them powerful is their imagination – the fantastic new things they can order their sub to do, that brings both parties to the brink of shivering climax.



Joanne Butcher talks about desire and scarcity and how freeing it is to want.

Once I was given permission to discover my desires, to feel them, write them, express them, I saw how that opened a channel of bright energy inside me. Like in an OM, when sometimes I feel my pussy reach out to kiss and grab my stroker’s cock, it’s not that I’m going to fuck him – necessarily! – but it feels so good wanting to.

The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy

the ultimate guide to sexual fantasy by violet blue
Cleis Press sent me a copy of Violet Blue’s second edition of The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy and invited me to join the blog tour.

This book is aimed at people just beginning to explore the more shadowy corners of their imagination, but it takes some very big concepts and makes them beginner friendly. Essentially, Violet Blue breaks down sexual deviance into easy to swallow steps. [I am totally leaving that sentence as is.]

The word guide is apt. I felt like I was following a clearly marked path to perversion. (The fun kind.) Despite the detailed instructions and pragmatic explanations, this book is all about fostering creativity and creating an experience unique to your individual fantasies.

Some of the highlights:

  • Bonus erotic shorts by Alison Tyler at the end of several chapters.
  • Matter of fact headings such as “What Not to Stick in Your Butt”.
  • Detailed instructions on how to set the scene for your fantasy, including reality checks to ensure the fantasy isn’t ruined by mundane realities.
  • A realistic approach to group sex, including how to find additional partners, that shows respect for all parties.
  • A stigma-free guide to what to expect from visiting a sex worker as a couple.
  • An absolutely amazing explanation of fetishes. Chapter 9 should be read by anyone who has ever felt the slightest twinge of shame for their sexual preferences.
  • Charts to assess your risk of acquiring STIs via various sex acts and tips on how to avoid transmitting infection.

Everything is presented without shame or stigma. It is fantastic to see a diverse spectrum of options depicted as sexy possibilities, suitable for anyone with the inclination to pursue them. Violet Blue makes everything from phone sex to visiting a pro domme to a wet and messy fetish feel approachable.

My favorite part was Chapter 6: Weaving a Spell: Strip Tease, Hot Talk, and Erotic Massage. I think I do a good job of making my fantasies a reality and I generally have an adventurous sex life. Despite that, I’ve never once given a strip tease. It’s always felt outside of my capabilities: I’m clumsy and uncoordinated so enthusiastically ripping each other’s clothes off has always been more my style.

However, after reading how to set the scene, create a routine, and um…involve my audience, a strip tease no longer seems daunting — it actually sounds like fun! I have two dates lined up for the week, so I should be able to make this unexpected fantasy a reality very soon.

Cleis Press is giving away a free copy of The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy. If you want to be entered to win, just leave a comment suggesting a song I can strip to. Winner chosen at random on the 4th of July.

In the meantime, here’s an excerpt from the book:


Talking to Your Partner

Opening yourself up and asking for something you want takes courage—but it also gives you an opportunity to learn more about what your lover likes and dislikes. Plus you might actually get what you want!

Before you tell all, put yourself in your partner’s shoes: If the two of you don’t normally talk about sex, and then suddenly one of you wants to, it might be upsetting—at first. Your lover may wonder if you’ve had sexual secrets all along. It’s also very likely that your opening up this erotic treasure trove will give your partner the opportunity to tell you what’s on their mind about sex, too.

Think about how you might bring up the subject in a way that would feel safe for you: would you feel comfortable watching a movie with a scene that resembles your fantasy, and commenting on it after the show? Or do you think you’d feel more secure waiting until you are entwined in an intimate cuddle and then asking your partner what they think about trading fantasies? Another technique you can try is stating that you want to confess a fantasy—a sexual one—and that he or she doesn’t have to reply right away. Tell them that you can have a conversation about it later; this gives both of you time to let the idea settle.

 Consider ways in which you can encourage your partner to hear you out. Ask them to suspend judgment until you can explain how much fun you think the two of you will have—and how important their participation is to you. Be sure to reassure him or her that you find them incredibly sexy, and that the conversation wouldn’t be happening unless you felt safe enough to reveal your deepest desires.

From the Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy 2nd Ed,. by Violet Blue

Want to read more? Suggest a song suitable for stripping in the comments for a chance to win The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy by Violet Blue.

eLust #59


Photo courtesy of Frisky in the 916.

Welcome to Elust #59 -

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #60? Start with the rules, come back July 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Considering Cocks
I Love Interrogation, or Diabolical Genius
Yes all Women but Not All Men Rant

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

I Kissed A Girl (& Her Man) And I Liked It

10 Things No One Warns You About Nonmonogamy

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~


All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 Sex News,Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Trigger Warnings from a Girl with PTSD
To Cheat or Not To Cheat
Why Trigger Warnings Are Important
On women in the world
Pillow Talk Secrets — We Have Lift Off!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Daddy doesn’t want to have sex with a virgin
Female Masturbation…Healthy, Not Sinful.
Partner Play – Dealing with Dildophobia
Tired Of Being Alone Some Relationship Advice
On Hang Ups
How to (almost) pick up women
Sex Smell

Erotic Fiction

Dark Fantasy
Exhibit ‘O’, Pt. 1
Her cock vs his cock
The Leopard Girl
Excerpt Two from “Legacy of Desire and Blood”
The Bachelor’s Prayer
Behind the bar

Writing About Writing

I’m Sheri and I Have a Shitty Author Persona

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Navigating The Waters of BDSM
Kink’s transgressions: breaking the rules
Edges, Limits and Boundaries
Feminist Beliefs vs Bedroom Preferences—help!
No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Identification
CollarMe – Return to Sender


Facebook Fixation – a Lusty Limerick

Erotic Non-Fiction

A Pain From Long Ago
I Just Need to Fuck You!
Meet the Amazon
When I Am Laid in Earth
The Night Club


Yes, the G-Spot is Real

In Which I Fuck Up and My Uterus Saves Me

cramps - saved by the uterus

Have you done a search for images related to menstrual cramps? Don’t.

Today I had the kind cramps that make me curl up in a ball and wait for death. It’s been a year since I last experienced this hormonal nightmare. I remember it quite clearly because instead of being at home near my bed and an ice pack, I was on a first date. Apparently I’d managed to successfully block both the physical and mental anguish because it’s taken me a year to share this.

We’d met via Craigslist and he sounded like fun, although now that I’ve reread his emails, I did miss a couple of small warning signs. However, our initial conversations were easy and casual and it turned out that we were both reasonably kinky, so I invited him to coffee. I offered to drive to his location, which was my first mistake.

He lives in Reno, about 45 minutes away. It is almost always hotter in Reno then it is near Lake Tahoe and heat only aggravates cramps for me. I could tell during the drive over that it was going to be a struggle to get through the date. I thought about cancelling, but decided that it was too last-minute to do so. Let’s call this my second mistake.

I parked my car and walked to the coffee shop, hoping the light exercise would help. Hahaha, no. He arrived shortly after I did and bought us both drinks. By that point, I was holding on to the counter for support. The drink, full of sugar and caffeine, did not help. Still, I tried to be a decent date and did not give in to my deep-seated desire to curl into the fetal position and pray for death.

We sat down and started talking, covering the usual getting-to-know-you ground. I asked why he’d moved to Reno and he started in on a long spiel about how expensive it was to live in California, and how much he’d love to live there but just couldn’t afford it.

Um, what? Thirty-eight million people can afford to live in California, and I was one of them before moving a couple miles over the border into Nevada. He’d managed to bring up two of the four things you shouldn’t talk about on a first date within ten minutes. (Spoiler alert: he didn’t waste time getting to the other two.)

By that point nausea had set in and I excused myself to go get some ice water. I gave a weak excuse about being sensitive to heat — I’m fairly certain that the details of my menstrual cycle are also unwelcome on a first date. Even in my weakened state, I was glad to have a reason to leave the current conversation.

By the time I came back he seemed ready to pursue another line of conversation. I can’t remember how we came to this topic — I suspect that memory will only come back with the help of a qualified therapist and some dolls — but he began telling me about the dog he had just put down. Suddenly I found myself attempting to console a near-stranger on the loss of his elderly pet. I’m not a big animal person, so I’m not a good choice for such tasks and how is this not awkward as fuck on a first date?

who talks about their dead dog on a first date

I was slightly more sympathetic than Grumpy Cat, but who talks about their dead dog on a first date?

It got worse. He’d managed to find a new dog, via a convoluted process of adopting a stray from a neighbor who’d taken it in but didn’t really want to give it a permanent home. (Did you follow that? I was trying very hard not to visibly writhe in pain, so I’m not sure I did either.) Anyway, he took it to the ASPCA to see if it had an ID chip. The ASPCA policy is to hold the animal for five days to give any previous owners a chance to claim it. During this time it’s examined by a vet and given any necessary shots and care and all in all sounds like a very reasonable policy.

In his mind, all of this amounted to the ASPCA kidnapping his dog. Nevermind that he took it there expressly to make sure it didn’t have an owner looking for it, nevermind that he wasn’t showing any empathy for someone potentially losing their pet, empathy that I had so very recently attempted to show him. He flaunted his crazy for several minutes before I finally excused myself to the bathroom to try to convince my body that it really did not need to be attacking me in this manner.

When I finally emerged ten minutes later, I told him that I felt awful and I needed to end the date early. (His response: “Yeah, it looks like it.”) I apologized profusely — I’m sure that between my absences and my attempts to stifle the cramps and nausea I was the worst first date ever…I just didn’t expect it to be a competitive event. I did send a follow-up email with another apology, but not a request for a second chance.

I have never been so grateful to have cramps in my life. Not only did I have a legitimate excuse to end that trainwreck of a date early, but I managed to scare him off completely. He never responded to my apology and I am not the least bit sorry. I suspect he thinks I’m either insane or possibly just incredibly rude, but at least I never have to see him again.

eLust #58


Welcome to Elust #58 -

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #59? Start with the rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Do NOT take my rapeplay fantasy away from me!

Pulp Fiction

“O” is for Outlaw No More

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

The Second Letter

The Wake

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Why my breasts are sore today

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Orgasm Denial Games and Ideas
What is “Normal,” Anyway?
Abject Submission 3: Only the Gift
Is All BDSM Sexual? #KinkySex
A new Dom asked me for advice
Let’s Talk Sex Stigma
What I want
On Being Submissive
Dildos in Wonderland – Fantasy Sex Toys

Sex News,Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

My sexual Assaults
Risky Business
What is feminist porn?
Butt Plug Weekend (Humor)
The Shaming of Slut Shaming
Do Bisexuals Need To Be More Upfront?
Why I Don’t Support CatalystCon

Erotic Non-Fiction

The ‘Good’ Girl vs The Whore – Marriage
Well Laid
The sheer poetry of pegging a homophobe
The Missouri Misery’s Maiden Voyage
On the Edge (Touch Your Cock for Me)
Parking On A Dirt Road
Masturbation: The Big Finish
The four-day orgasm
Dear lover

Writing About Writing

Imagining Disabled Characters in Erotica


Simple Needs – a Lusty Limerick

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

On Happiness and Risk
Sex addiction – a primer
More Than Bend Over Boyfriend Toys

Erotic Fiction

X marks the spot
Chain Links and the Rail Marshall
The Devil and the Golden Ring
A lonely day in Paradise
Mine Is Bigger Than Yours
Rub It Harder
Face Splash – Part 1
Stray Kat
Sneaky Sexy Snippet of A Work in Progress


56 posts later …

Why I Like Drunken Sex

drunk sex is fun sex

And I’m the last to know.
(Image credit: Confessions of an Alcoholic)

Believe it or not, last weekend was the first time I’ve ever had sex while drunk. In the past I wasn’t much of a drinker and I’ve never heard good things about drunken sex, so it seemed like a good idea to pass on sex on the rare occasions I was drunk. It’s not like I needed alcohol to lower my inhibitions. However, I both drink and fuck more now, so it was probably inevitable that the two of them would someday coincide. I have to say, I should have done this sooner. Whiskey dick? Vodka vag? The motions of sex causing nausea? Ridiculous clumsiness? None of these things happened — instead we just had a great time.

Meaningful Consent

Alcohol can make it harder to establish meaningful consent. However, I was with a partner I’ve had sex with before, we enthusiastically talked about sex earlier in the evening while we were both sober (and then again throughout the night, but not necessarily sober), and we were both very clear about wanting sex when we finally went to bed. I felt like we set things up in way that left both of us able to make good decisions, despite the impaired judgement.

Safe Sex

drunken sex std

This is why I was drinking tequila — no STIs for either of us.

The first time Jacob and I had sex he dropped the condoms as we were getting out of the car. I hadn’t noticed that he had them and we hadn’t discussed safer sex yet. It was amazingly reassuring to know that he fully intended to use condoms without any input from me. One of my many reasons for usually avoiding older men is the way they seem to find the very idea of condoms insulting. Being drunk didn’t lead to poor decisions — condoms are just a routine part of our sex life and always have been.

However, being drunk did lead to me suggesting anal sex without lube. I brought lube with me, but we don’t use it for vaginal sex so it wasn’t conveniently located and neither of us was thinking clearly enough to grab it. My cunt had lubricated his cock just enough to make me think it would work, but not enough to make it fun for either of us so we quickly abandoned that plan. We didn’t change condoms in between failing to have anal sex and resuming vaginal fucking, so clearly we need to have more anal sex when we’re sober so we can develop habits we can rely on when we’re drunk.

So Relaxed

If we’re spending an extended period of time in one position, I sometimes get sore, or get a cramp, or whatever. Being drunk relaxed my muscles to the point where I felt far more flexible than usual; I was happy to do anything to create a better angle or a closer position.

I was also mentally relaxed. I tend overthink things and one of the reasons I love sex is because it’s so easy to choose to be in the moment when I’m fucking. After drinking all night all I could do is feel — thinking wasn’t a viable option.


I have no idea of either of us had an orgasm, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t get enough of his body, so I was even more enthusiastic than usual. I think the sex lasted quite awhile, but I’m not sure if we stopped because we were satiated or tired. I woke up feeling sore in all the right places and satisfied. Drunken sex was a good time I’ll definitely do it again – but not until after we’ve had plenty of sober anal sex.

Who knew good sex is a habit that persists even while drunk?

CollarMe – Return to Sender

I’ve used CollarMe.com for a few years now. I use it for actual dates rather than casual sex (Craigslist is far more effective for casual sex) and it does garner me the occasional date…not to mention that the first person I met via CollarMe remains in my top three sexual encounters. However, the entertainment value is unparalleled. Kinky online dating isn’t any different than vanilla online dating, but when kinky online dating goes wrong, it tends to be far worse and far more entertaining. These are real messages I have received over the past few months, unembellished and unedited. Their words in italics.

“Just stopping by to say ‘hi’ once more as everytime i pass your profile i want to reach out. Too bad you are not receptive to what i am looking for….i knjow we’d enjoy.”

He’s 26 years older than me and lives in another state. My profile is very clear that I’m looking for someone close to my age and reasonably local. I object to his passive language — I’m the one who isn’t “receptive” to what he’s looking for, even though he knows “we’d” enjoy. Passivity is not a desirable quality in a dominant partner and I have no reason to think I would enjoy meeting someone so willing to ignore what I want.

“Seeking a real relationship? Thanks for viewing me”

“I am definitely looking for a real relationship. Please tell me more about what’s important to you in a relationship and a partner/submissive?”

“I would love to chat with you about this . I have found so many on this site are seeking endless pen pals and cyber sex.. I am. It interested in either of those things. Would you be interested in chatting on yahoo?”

“I don’t use Yahoo, but I’m happy to chat via Gmail. My email address is [Redacted -- I have a specific email address for online dating and I highly recommend that you do the same.]“

“I dont have gmail yahoo is easy to create a profile.. will you?”

“Actually I’d prefer to get to know one another via CollarMe.”

“Nope tire of game players”

“I offered to chat with you offsite, but you seem to be as interested in signing up for Gmail as I am in signing up for Yahoo. Talking via CollarMe seemed like a reasonable compromise.

“However, your profile now says Denver and that is not a reasonable distance for a real relationship. I’m not sure if you moved or if it’s a temporary thing, but I’m tired of dominants who expect me to cater to them before taking the time to get to know me so it doesn’t really matter.”

“Read my journal. You are just full of excuses”

Asking to chat offsite isn’t a problem, but using Yahoo Messenger and no other chatting platform as part of your criteria for determining genuine interest vs. game playing is an interesting approach. I’ve used YM in the past, but I didn’t like it for a wide variety of reasons, not the least of which was it quickly became a Pacman-like experience of avoiding people on my contacts list that I had no interest in.

She never did explain her location change. Her journal should have been an instant red flag — it was a series of complaints about all the fakes she’d encountered and time she’d wasted. She apparently failed to notice that she was the common denominator in those encounters.

“Hello there you nasty little fuck meat whore, do you wanna be my own private cum dump?”

Points for spelling? He managed to trigger the site’s bulk mail filter — I wasn’t the only one lucky enough to receive this message.

“I’m in Las Vegas now amd thought I would try and see if thetes anyone around worth meeting and viola ! Here you are lol.” [An abundance of personal information redacted -- he did make a real effort to write a quality introductory message.]

“I appreciate the message, but Vegas is hundreds of miles away and I’m looking for someone local.” [His profile says that he lives in Texas, so I assume he was only vacationing in Vegas.]

“Well ok but I sure hope you reconsider, I would be very interested in you. Would you care to at least talk as friends ?”

[a few hours later] “I hope you consider what I said, you really seem to be quite the woman and I had a feeling about you.”

“I appreciate the kind words, but as I stated in my profile, I’m not looking for new friends, I’m looking for someone who can be a part of my life. That is not realistic from this distance.”

[a week later] “We should really talk, i believe that we would be and can be a great match”

I get these messages often; I realize most people can only name one city in Nevada, but I’m actually over 450 miles from Vegas. Regardless, even if I were conveniently located, it’s unlikely that I’d be on call to spice up some random’s weekend. This guy was special because he kept sending me messages expressing his belief in our potential and his desire to at least be friends, even after I pointed out the distance and the disparity in what we were looking for.

“I love training subs like you. You would be micromanaged by me: are you aware of what that entails?”

“Please tell me more about yourself and what you’re looking for. Where are you located?”

“Vegas. We are therefore not that far from each other. Call me Sir.”

“Vegas is over 450 miles away and I am looking for someone local. Also, I do not call complete strangers Sir or any other honorifics. I do not submit to random people from the internet.”

“Modern travel cuts distances, correct? I prefer that protocol be observed.”

I found his remark about modern travel condescending and his demand that I call him “sir” was ridiculous. Immediate demands for honorifics usually come from someone looking to get off rather than establish an actual relationship. The whole insta-sub thing makes it clear that you can’t discern between fantasy and a real live person.

“You look really Sexy and feminine , ! If you are into Sexy European men with a nice accent we could be a match ! I’m a newcomer in [my area] (coming from Florida) talk to you soon ! (I have a cam to prove than i’m REAL) PS .be honest or dont answer , my bullshitometer works fine usually”

[3 days later] “I really don’t message often subs on CM but you look so Sexy and feminine ! If you are into Sexy European men with a cute accent we could be a match ! I’m a newcomer in [my area] (coming from Florida) talk to you soon ! I have a cam to prove than i’m REAL) ..be honest or dont answer , my bullshitometer works fine usually”

“This is the second message you’ve sent me this week and as that they’re nearly identical, I assume you’re sending the same message to many women without actually taking the time to read a profile. I ignored your first message because I found your last sentence, “be honest or dont answer , my bullshitometer works fine usually,” obnoxious and here it is again in your second message.

“You messaged me twice, but between the incredibly poor attitude that last sentence demonstrates and your shallow message (you might be sexy and have a lovely accent, but those things are not my priority) it’s obvious that we’re looking for different things.”

I finally blocked this guy — he contacted me with the same message once every six months or so. I don’t believe anything he claims; some people use the “recently moved” ploy to obtain an online-only relationship. He gets the thrill of someone submitting to him without any of the effort that an actual relationship would require.

“The girl in your profile has a beautiful smile!”


“Do you know her?”

“I am the woman in my photos.”

“Forgive me, but that’s very hard to believe.”

“That’s not my problem. You’re across the country and coming off as extremely passive aggressive, so I have no interest in convincing you of anything.”

Ah, the classic attempt to finagle more pictures from me. Also popular is “Someone reported your pictures as fake, please verify.” Right, because sending photos of myself to passive-aggressive strangers will somehow benefit me? These people have access to the internet, thus they have access to porn — I’m not sure I’ll ever really get pic collectors.

Despite the abundance of ridiculousness, these messages are not typical. Most of the messages I receive consist of the “How are you this evening?” variety, with a few quality messages to keep things in balance. Kinky online dating really isn’t much different than vanilla online dating. I’d love to read some of your messages — leave a comment or contact me on Twitter.

I Got What I Was Afraid Of

fear and love

I’m not sure if the Goblin King represents fear or love.
(Image source: gypsyrhia)

[Originally written March 22nd, 2014 -- I somehow failed to push the "publish" button.]

We both did.

I spent some time today consciously loving and trying to let myself be loved. I was skiing with two of my friends and our clients (I work part-time as a ski instructor) and while I was ostensibly learning to be a better instructor, I chose my mentors carefully: I was really taking a clinic about love. Teaching someone to ski is an act of love.

We’re sharing the thing we love most with strangers and that’s a big deal. It’s intimate and scary and magnificent and I get to do it several times a week. All the technical skills, all the drills, all the Olympic coverage pales in comparison to the love we have for this thing we do a few months out of the year. If I can make someone love skiing, I can make them come back, and if they keep coming back they’ll learn how to ski.

Making someone love a sport that is expensive, difficult, and cold isn’t easy. I spend a lot of my time managing other people’s fear; I had a nine year old completely break down on me today and that’s hard to watch. Instead of giving in to her fear, instead of doing whatever it took to make her stop crying, I pushed her to conquer that fear. I asked her to be brave and then I held her to the standard we’d set earlier in the day. It felt, and probably looked, cruel but it was an act of love. I had faith in her ability to push past her fear and faith in my ability to get her through this challenge. We struggled through and achieved our goal. We didn’t give up and we didn’t take the easy way out. It wasn’t easy for either of us, but she learned that skiing can be both fun and transformative.

Love is the same way. It’s not easy and I will always have doubts about my choices, but do I want to be the kind of person who gives up on someone I care about just because it gets hard? I rarely love people with the focus and devotion I feel for skiing, but this time I do and I’m going to find a way to make it work.

Managing fear is literally my job and this time I fucked up. I failed to recognize his fears, his unhealed wounds, and his triggers. I didn’t know how to react when he broke down so I broke down too. We’re 2000 miles away and I feel every inch.

But, even with this failing, I know how to love. I know how I want to treat the people I care about. I want to teach him how to love me and, more than anything, I want to learn how to love him. I see love role modeled every day, in one way or another and today, after spending hours watching two of the people I love try to translate the love we all feel for the benefit of a dozen children skiing for the 4th time in their lives I felt bigger. I’m so hurt that it’s easy to forget who I am, but at my core I am a loving person and I love Jamie.

Later, as we were changing and getting ready to go back out into the world, I asked another coworker about her son. It turns out that he’s not speaking to her right now and she’s looking for ways to love him while giving him the space he needs. One of my mentors joined us and in our brief conversation it became obvious that all three of us have been in this situation before and the only thing any of us know how to do is keep loving until the other person comes around. We can’t force love, but we can keep loving.

I am lucky to have these people in my life. I have been struggling with this for over a month and it helps to be reminded that the way I love is valid — and that love might be enough.

I keep looking for answers to this problem. I’ve read books and articles and blog posts and so much more. I’ve spent hours thinking about this and I’ve formed a variety of plans and mindsets in an attempt to move forward. What if this isn’t a problem that needs to be solved? What if all I have to do is love him until he’s ready to love me again?

I’ve exacerbated the problem with my unwillingness to fake what he needs. Why should this be any different? I do need to give him time and space, but I don’t need to be afraid of losing him. I love him and that is forever; this situation is temporary.

And that’s what I did today: I learned to manage a small portion of my own fear. I don’t need to be afraid that he’ll never be a part of my life again because I can’t control that. I don’t need to be afraid that I’ll always feel hurt and bitter because that’s a choice I get to make. I can’t fix him and I don’t feel broken.

So, I need to plant the seeds of our friendship and then devote myself to patiently cultivating them in myself and then offering them to him. It’s no longer the situation that’s the problem, it’s our feelings about the situation. Feelings are reactions and we’re both reasonable people; we’ll find our way if we give ourselves enough time.

Earlier today I couldn’t imagine a conversation with him that didn’t leave me feeling devastated — either hurt or angry — but spending the day actively giving and receiving love reminded me who I am.

On Happiness and Risk

happiness and risk

My comfort zone? Sex with a married man, as long as we don’t have to talk about it.
(Image source: Ross Simmonds)

Today I realized that I spend a lot of time working to make myself feel safe, often at the expense of feeling happy. Losing Jamie fucked with my sense of security. Even my very casual relationship with Jacob is colored by my need to feel safe. I am having sex with him because I want to feel loved without taking the risk of being vulnerable. Obviously that’s not going to work.

This weekend we’re going to an overnight get together with several of our friends, none of whom currently know about the sexual aspect of our relationship. We’re going to drive down together, which will give us an unprecedented hour alone to talk. (Most of the time we spend together is in a group setting and the vast majority of our alone time is spent having sex.)

I’m wondering how to fill that hour. I don’t think I’m capable of an hour’s worth of small talk, so it feels unavoidable that we’ll talk about more intimate things. We have yet to discuss our relationship, both because there isn’t much of a relationship to discuss and because I don’t want to risk the vulnerability that conversation will require.

So, if talking about our relationship doesn’t make me feel safe, does not talking about it make me feel happy? No, I feel like I’m hiding from the inevitable and doing it in a way that has the potential to hurt someone I care about. So what would make me happy? Coming to an explicit understanding with Jacob about what we’re doing. Agreeing to some fun, casual sex that doesn’t hurt anyone and satisfies my need for physical affection from someone who cares about me and his need for…whatever it is he needs.

And I would like to understand what he needs. As much as I’m trying to avoid intimacy, I’d still like to create a good experience for both of us, and the only way I can do that is to get close enough to learn more. One small risk, casual sex with a friend, leads to a slightly larger risk, being vulnerable to that friend. Being comfortable with risk is a practice, just like yoga and meditation.

Any relationship I have right now is going to be outside my comfort zone. However, if I don’t push myself, I’ll devote my time to never feeling vulnerable again. That illusion of safety will come at the expense of being happy. This is a risk I need to take; without it, I won’t be able to create a good relationship with anyone, not even someone as flexible as Jacob. Even though this is a very casual relationship, it’s not going to make me happy unless I can take a risk.

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