How to Get Women to Pursue You in 4 Easy Steps

What started out as a polite attempt to pick a fight ended with me developing a real interest in someone. I’ve been apathetic about this guy since before our second date, but now? Now I’m interested.

How to Get Women to Pursue You in 4 Easy Steps

The evolution of my feelings for him.

Last night I was in a fucking cranky mood. I wanted to fight with a friend of mine, but since I would like to remain friends with him, I decided wait until I no longer have PMS to email him. Instead I picked a fight with a guy that keeps talking about a date, but never follows through.

When I say he never follows through, I mean we met on CollarSpace and went on our first two dates 18 months ago. A year and a half. I liked him, but I didn’t feel much of a connection. However, every six months or so he gets in touch and while I’m always interested enough to talk to him, we’ve never made it on that third date.

This time he sent me an email and I didn’t respond right away. Why would I? It’s not like we would actually see each other. Then he sent me a message on CollarSpace. Two messages in two days was unusual, so I got back to him.

We went through our usual routine of trying to work out the logistics of a date. We had tentative plans for Tuesday, so I sent him a text Monday night. Tuesday afternoon he replies, telling me he went on a last minute camping trip (completely in-character) but he’ll have more free time soon. I tell him it’s not a problem and ask him to get in touch with me when he has some free time.

Last night I realized that he still hadn’t texted me and that I wouldn’t hear from him for another six months if I didn’t do something. Like I said, I was pissy, but I tried not to be a complete asshole. I pointed out his complete lack of follow-through and asked why we kept almost going out.

Given that half the reason I texted him was to blow off steam by arguing with someone I don’t really care about, his response blew me away. Before we talked last night, I assumed we’d never see each other again and I was fine with it. Now? I’m pursuing him.

He provided an explanation for his actions.

Not only are spontaneous camping trips a part of his life, but his work schedule is all over the place. He usually works nights, except those two days a week he works days, etc. He doesn’t want to rudely call or text too late, but late night nights are when he has free time.

Everything he said made sense and was consistent with what I already know about him. He wasn’t lying and he wasn’t making excuses. He gave me a real explanation so I could understand the situation and make my own choices.

He cared that I was upset.

As soon as I made it clear that I wasn’t happy, he took steps to make me feel better. Few things end my relationships faster than someone who can see that I am upset, but just doesn’t give a fuck about my feelings.

Last night I was more irritated than upset, but he still made an effort to ameliorate the situation. Seeing that he was willing to take some responsibility for his actions and their effect on me built a little trust: since he cares about my feelings, I can trust him not to intentionally hurt me.

He made it clear that he is genuinely interested in me.

This helped a lot. Sure, the bi-yearly emails indicate an interest, but the fact that we never see each other. Knowing that he’s interested in me eliminates some of the risk of pursuing that date.

It's more of a risk to ignore him and miss something good than it is to pursue him and get rejected.Now that I feel confident that he’s interested in me rather than just bored or lonely, I’m more willing to make an effort to make this happen. No one wants to waste time on someone both flaky and barely interested, but someone who likes me is completely different. It’s now more of a risk to ignore him and miss something good than it is to pursue him and get rejected or waste my time.

He offered suggestions to solve the problem.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that laziness irritates the fuck out of me, but at no point in our conversation was he lazy or passive. He took responsibility for his part in the situation and he actively tried to find a way to work things out.

He he didn’t expect me to do all the work of problem solving, nor did he expect me to just suck it up and deal with a situation that I didn’t like. He acted like treating me well was worth the effort.


After all of this I see him as worth my time and effort so I’m going to go into the date with the goal of treating him well rather than protecting myself. A little effort on his part turned the entire situation around.

Elust #63

Subbee HEADER
Photo courtesy of A to sub Bee

Welcome to Elust #63 -

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #64? Start with the rules, come back November1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

I am Sexy at Every Size
Censored? Never By My Hand #DarkErotica #BDSM
Hovering

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Show Me, Daddy
The pride of being a dom

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Ask Better Questions

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Non-Fiction

Two Hours of Bliss
Save the Sheets
All He Could Do Was Moan.
I’ll Have What She’s Having
Attitude on the Autobahn
Go get a toy so you can fuck yourself.
Cumslut

Thoughts and Advice on Kink and Fetish

Why I love my Packer
Tools of the trade
On being a feminist and a dirty little slut
Stapled
Getting Acquainted
Not Your Fetish
Why Kinky Women Are All Gold-Digging Trash*
Schoolgirls a Lasting Obsession
Kink-Blocked by Burners

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

We Still Have To Work At It
Sex and Motherhood – Part 1
Tips for using sex toys & avoiding infections
How to Have Sex Naked
Bipolar Sex

Erotic Fiction

Oopps Wrong Number
Pour
Minister & Mistress
Surprises: A Threesome Story
Door Frame

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Sex, lies, videotape & being a decent person
Two Women One Topic

Events

Rubber Band Brilliance

Blogging

Stripping away the Shadows

Poetry

Sweat Slick – An Erotic Sonnet
The Poem Challenge, Day 6: “Owned”
Sixty Years On – A Lusty Limerick
Poetry: I Am….

Writing About Writing

On Writing Daddy Porn
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The Best Sex and Dating Posts of September 2014

The Best Sex and Dating Posts September 2014First, congratulations to Cameron for winning a copy of The Sexy Librarian’s Big Book of Erotica!

Below you’ll find my favorite posts about sex and dating from September 2014. I’ve linked to the bloggers from last month on the sidebar, something I’ll do with this batch in November.

What did I miss? Please share your own favorites from the past month in the comments — self-promotion encouraged.

If you enjoy these posts, nominate them for an award! Kinkly is looking for sex blogging superheroes (you can vote for me here — just push the big pink button), and Rori is looking for the top sex bloggers of 2014.

The Pride of Being a Dom

I absolutely love what Jerusalem Mortimer says about respecting the yes. Consent is hugely important, but what to do when someone says yes is often left out of conversations about what consent looks like.

“There’s still a duty of care even when someone says “yes”. Consent isn’t the only consideration you take into account. But if a submissive says, “hurt me, rule me, and fuck me when I’m crushed,” and that’s something you both want, then you have to respect the submissive’s right to consent and get what she wants.”

The Pride of Being a Dom from Jerusalem Mortimer

Leading with Your Kink

Stabbity tackles one of my favorite topics: treating the person you want to date/fuck like a person.

“Shockingly enough, that’s more than a little off putting to me and many, many other women. Guys who I might have played with if they had approached me as if I had any value outside of what I can do for them, instead ensure that I will never, ever lay a hand on them. That’s where leading with your kink gets you.”

Leading with Your Kink from Not Just Bitchy

Online Dating Tips for [Everyone]

Arched Eyebrow wrote some tips for fat babes, but they apply to everyone who enjoys online dating. Her tip about the OkCupid plugin alone is worth the click.

“Don’t be at the mercy of everyone else: ask out the people you fancy, not the people you think will fancy you. This is my most important piece of advice. For the first year and a half-ish that I was on OkCupid, I had loads of dates, but 99% of the time, I didn’t fancy the people I was meeting. Why? Because I was letting my fat fears rule my choices, and going, primarily, for the ‘sort of people’ I thought would want to date me. I wasn’t even thinking about what I wanted, beyond ‘are they, like, at least 40% attractive?’.”

Online Dating Tips for the Fat Babe by Arched Eyebrow

Why kinky women are all just gold-digging, money-grabbing trash*

Cava Supernova offers some great advice on how to avoid both being scammed and being a douchebag.

“We all need to engage our scam deflectors the second we log on. ALL of us.

Plus, do you know how neanderthal it is to assume that women are so unsexual, they’re incapable of enjoying anything remotely deviant without expecting some sort of reward?”

Why kinky women are all just gold-digging, money-grabbing trash by Cava Supernova

What Heteroflexible Means for Me

It turns out that I’m not that only one who finds labels confusing and irritating.

“I find the concept of labels baffling. In general, I feel like they’re unfair, tend to dislike them immensely, and work hard to keep them from sticking. In my past, I’ve been hurt by labels, and I rebelled against the stigma as I tried to make them fit the way I wanted, on my terms. Yet in the context of BDSM, I find I need a label to define who I am; the things I like.

See? Confusing.”

What Heteroflexible Means for Me by Nikki Blue

True Sex Tale: Cici

Jill Hamilton shares Cici’s story of her sexless marriage. Bed-death is one of my irrational fears, so it was interesting to read about her continued attraction to her unresponsive husband.

He doesn’t look at my body, doesn’t try to touch me, never sneaks in while I’m showering or grabs my ass while I’m cooking or talking on the telephone. He has never seduced me; has never unhooked my bra or looked at my body as he removed my panties. Sexy pictures and suggestive text messages make him uncomfortable and angry. He accuses me of being unstable – to whom else are you sending these photos? – and unsafe with technology when all I want is to tap into the primal, animal instinct that he must have… doesn’t he?”

True Sex Tale: Cici, “We have made love five times this year. It’s September.” from In Bed with Married Women

Down the Rabbit Hole

Jon MIllward did a fascinating analysis of sex toy sales. Here’s just a tiny snippet of his seemingly endless data:

“Men also buy large butt plugs at a much higher rate than women. Single straight guys are almost five times more likely than single straight women to buy a large butt plug and 76% more likely than attached straight men. Butt plugs with girths of 8 or more inches (which is as thick as a coke can) are bought by 1.8% of women who buy butt plugs, compared to 6.6% of men.”

Down the Rabbit Hole by Jon Millward

How Not to Be a Dick About Nude Selfies

The last time I told some guy I wasn’t going to send him nudes, he threatened to rape me. The joys of powerless men making unconvincing threats over the internet. TNW makes some excellent points when it comes to not being that guy.

“Predominantly a problem among young men, there’s a competitive element to gathering naked photos. They’ll bark at people with sex Tumblrs, saying exactly what they want and throwing hissy fits when they don’t get it. They’ll slut-shame someone for not spreading their holes open, when they should’ve been grateful for the photos they did get. They’ll try and amass as many naked selfies as possible, rather than getting turned-on by the few who wanted to send them.”

How Not to Be a Dick About Nude Selfies from Girl on the Net

Yo, Is This Sexist?

Dr. NerdLove does a great job of explaining Feminism 101.

“So I’m going to break in right at the start and point out the obvious irony: you’re asking me, a straight dude, to explain feminism to you. I mean, let’s be real here: I have at best a 101 level understanding of feminism. I’m by no means a scholar or authority on feminist issues, the history of the movement etc.”

Yo, Is This Sexist? A Conversation About Feminism and Sexism by Dr. NerdLove

California Enacts ‘Yes Means Yes’ Law, Defining Sexual Consent

I think this is an excellent move.

“The law requires colleges that receive state funding to have policies covering more than a dozen situations that can arise in sexual assault or domestic violence cases, from protecting privacy to training campus officials and providing counseling for victims.”

California Enacts ‘Yes Means Yes’ Law, Defining Sexual Consent from NPR

Spanking Is Great for Sex

Jillian Keenan brings up an often-ignored aspect of corporal punishment.

My point is that when my husband spanks me—or Christian Grey spanks Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Grey—it’s the exact same physical act that parents do to kids every day. The only difference is that when we do it, it’s consensual, sexual, and adult; when parents do it, it’s nonconsensual, punitive, and involves a sobbing child.

Spanking is Great for Sex by Jillian Keenan

HedoVibes Round-up #60

SAM_2629Photo courtesy of BeckAndHerKinks

Welcome to HedoVibes, a collection of reviews and giveaways that were posted in the past week or so from around the web. This is a collection of adult product reviews & contests from real reviewers. If you want to be included in the next edition start with the guidelines, then use the submission form.

Want to read more reviews? Check out HedoVibes for a list of the latest reviews and stellar reviewers. You can also follow on twitter for the latest round ups. HedoVibes is also accepting photo submissions for each edition.

CONTESTS

DILDOS

VIBRATORS

ANAL TOYS

RINGS & STROKERS

BONDAGE, IMPACT, & FETISH GEAR

EROTIC BOOKS

hedo150


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Bi Visibility Day

Bi Visibility Day, September 23rd

(Image credit: Thunderclap)

It’s Bi Visibility Day and I feel obligated to note it.

The thing is, I identified as bi most of my teenage years and in my early twenties, I identified as a lesbian. Over the past few years, I’ve lost most of my sense of sexual orientation. It feels fucking awesome.

I date both men and women (more men than women because men who date women are much easier to find than women who date women and I’m lazy), but the label bi irks me. There’s nothing wrong with the the actual word, but I’ve found that it creates more questions than it answers.

“So that means you like both boys and girls?”

“But you just dated X last week?”

“Can I watch?”

“Great! Would you like to join my partner and I for [elaborate fantasy that has no room for my preferences]?”

Dude. I am 30 years old and I no longer have any interest in playing sexual orientation 101. Nor do I have any interest in fucking you while your husband watches. I realize that part of the point of Bi Visibility Day is to alleviate some of the stupidity that follows bi folks, but I’ve given up on using that word.

(Not to mention that bi implies two genders, and gender isn’t quite that simple.)

People do go both ways.

I’ve always thought Dorothy was a lesbian.

Instead, I just go on about my life doing what (and who) I want. If someone asks, (and most people don’t) I usually tell them I’m queer. If they want me to explain, I tell them that I’m opportunistically easy. I no longer feel any obligation to be able to put my sexuality into a tidy little package; I don’t owe anyone an explanation.

I realize that I’ve taken a very simplistic approach that won’t work for everyone, but this is what works best for me. My late teens and early twenties felt so fraught with the responsibility of labeling myself accurately that it’s a relief to move on to something easier. I pretty much never think about my sexual orientation and that’s been an excellent decision for me.

For those of you who do identify as bi, happy Bi Visibility Day; I hope it is free of ridiculous questions and stupid assumptions. For those of you struggling with your sexual orientation, make sure you’re taking time to enjoy the people and things you’re into, even if they don’t fit the label you (or someone else) assigned yourself. For everyone else, that last sentence is for you too.


 

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The Sexy Librarian’s Big Book of Erotica Blog Tour and Giveaway

the sexy librarian's big book of erotica

The Sexy Librarian’s Big Book of Erotica, edited by Rose Caraway, has 327 pages of hot stories. There’s no underlying theme to this book — all 22 stories are unique. Fortunately, there’s a card catalog to guide you through the book. I was charmed by the concept from the beginning and it lead to a fun reading experience.

The stories are diverse: an epilogue to Oedipus, the mating ritual of an all-female tribe, a story told from the point of view of a jar of moonshine, a man struggling to move on after his wife’s death, and so many more.

A wide variety of kinks are represented, but what stands out most is the creativity in every story. A lot of erotica focuses on sex, using a plot only to give context to the sexy parts. Nearly every story in The Sexy Librarian’s Big Book of Erotica is just that: a story. Yes, sex features in every one of them, but the sex is a part of the story, rather than the sum total of the plot. It makes for an engrossing read; I wanted to keep going even after my own orgasms.

Here’s an excerpt from one of my favorites, Three Legs in the Evening  by Janine Ashbless:

He hadn’t just been boasting; he knew exactly what to do with his tongue, and his lips, and his fingers. He lapped and nibbled and slipped into her, pulled and sucked and stirred. It was a burning, exquisite joy, and a relief beyond words. She gripped his head with her hands and cried out, shuddering her hips. He ate her like she was the ambrosia of the gods. He drank her like she was nectar. Naked, wide-eyed, awash with flame, she passed from desire to apotheosis, poring herself upon his face like holy oil.

And she felt, for the first time in years, like she was beautiful again.

In the after wash her trembling legs let her down and she sank to straddle his thighs. He’d pulled his robe aside, she saw, and his cock was hard and engorged and shiny under his stroking fingers. It looked delicious, she thought, pushing his hand aside and angling him into her hot and slippery grip.

Oedipus groaned, teeth bared. He did his best to hold back as she pushed down his length, but restraint was beyond him now; he bucked beneath her, thrusting up, filling her with his brine and his loss and his broken pride. She clenched about him, aftershocks of her own orgasm running through her along with his.

The Sexy Librarian’s Big Book of Erotica is full of stories just as titillating and Cleis Press is giving away a copy! You can enter to win using the widget below or, if you don’t want to wait, you can buy a copy now. Winner announced Tuesday, September 30th.


Cleis Press gave me a copy of this book in exchange for a review. I’m testing both affiliate links and a contest widget in this post; please contact me if you notice any problems.

Elust #62

SS_2014_08_SuperMan
Photo courtesy of Bawdy Bloke

Welcome to Elust #62 -

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #63? Start with the rules, come back October1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Sex Blogger Life: Real Talk

Selfies, Shame and Safety

‘Dress me like a slut and punish my cock’

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

I live in a sex-positive bubble.

Wicked Wednesday: Silent Memories

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Are you guilty of slut-shaming sex doll lovers?

Writing About Writing

Why can’t I write gay erotica?!
Cream doesn’t rise: the state of UK erotica
Coming clean about writing dirty…
The Big Book of Submission: 69 Kinky Tales

Erotic Non-Fiction

I’ve Collared Myself a Human Pony
Strapped Back In
View From The Bridal Suite
It’s a date (2/2)
Your Tears Make Me Wet.
Photograph
Spanking – the ultimate mood changer

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Yes, I am a slut. So?
M feels that labeling myself “gay” erases him
“Appearance Not Important”
Traditional sexual consent vs bdsm consent
Bigger Doesn’t Mean Better!
All in One Person: Thoughts on Non-Monogamy
I Lust, Therefore I Am
Buddhism and Poly
The Great Outdoors
My Love Is Not About You #SameSexCouples
Thinking of You
Tantra Massage For Multiple Male Orgasm

Blogging

Blogging: My Layout Pet Peeves
An Unpleasant Outing

Erotic Fiction

The Flight Attendant’s Return Home…
Kinky Cocktail Story Time: The Jelly Bean
Spanked Silent
Hunted

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Quantification of Everything (Especially Sex)
Polyphobia – The New Homophobia

Thoughts and Advice on Kink and Fetish

For Submissives.
Protocols. I Want.
When You Can’t Trust Your Body
Masters Guilt
BDSM Is Not (the only) Kink
Fetal

 

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Penis Size Matters

Penis size matters

South Park TMIPenis size matters because it influences the way people feel about themselves; it’s a perception that can build or destroy confidence, and confidence makes all the difference in sex and dating. I want to fuck and date people whose high opinion of themselves matches my high opinion of them. I think that can only happen if we treat all bodies with respect, even if they don’t match our fantasies.

Why am I writing about this? I get that reading about penis size from the perspective of a cis woman might not be logical, but this horrible culture of shame is creating some awful sex. The guy who thought having a big dick made him good in bed was just the tip of the…ha, well the tip of something.

A few years ago I was in bed with a friend and delighted to find myself there. This was someone I cared about and routinely had fun with, so sex sounded like a great time. As soon as his pants came off, things changed. He became tense and uncomfortable, so much so that we never did have sex. The problem? He had a tiny penis.

It was undeniably small and my first reaction (that I did not share) was to wonder if he had some sort of medical condition. My second reaction (that I did share) was enthusiasm over his foreskin. I’d never had sex with someone uncircumcised before and I was very into this particular new experience.

I do not privilege my penis size preferences over the actual body of the human being in bed with me. @nakedjillUnfortunately my genuine enthusiasm about one aspect of his penis was not enough to make up for his insecurity about another aspect. It was a frustrating evening for both of us, but if had he been able to feel more secure about his body, it could have been different. I still wanted to have sex with him after I saw his penis. While I do have preferences about penis size, I do not privilege those preferences over the actual body of the human being in bed with me.

Another incident occurred when I met a guy online and had an amazing time talking to him. We were arranging our first meeting and we both agreed that sex was an option, but not a given. Sounds good thus far, right?

It was great until he started talking about his penis. He wanted me to know before we even met that it wasn’t big. I’m not sure how small it was or if it was somewhere in the realm of average because his insecurities scared me away. I was fine with the idea of a smaller penis — I wanted to meet this person, and his penis size didn’t change that — but he just couldn’t believe that.

He talked about it for two solid hours until I didn’t want to hear another word about his dick and realized that the only way to make that happen was to never speak to him again. I’m sure he thinks that I ghosted because of his penis size, but I just didn’t share his size obsession. He thought he had a small cock and it destroyed both his confidence and our potential date.

Our cultural obsession with penis size fucks up my dates and hurts people I care about. There’s more to good sex than a big dick and there’s more to a person than dick size.

Our culture attempts to prey on our insecurities.

Everyone knows that size matters. It’s reinforced every day — I have a spam folder full of emails offering make make my nonexistent dick bigger. From an early age — years before puberty sets in — society tells us it is essential to have a big cock. Not only does size matter, it’s more important than anything else.

Preteens start shaming each other for the sin of potentially having a small penis and it only escalates from there. This is so profound and so common that even people with big dicks think they’re average or below average. The ideal of having a big dick seems so unattainable that the people who actually possess them are incapable of seeing themselves objectively.

Everyone deserves the power to look at their body and see it for what it is. @nakedjillThat is unspeakably fucked up. Everyone deserves the power to look at their body and see it for what it is. Not only that, everyone should be able to love their body without having to compare it to external messages about its worth or lack thereof. This culture of shame is doing real damage.

Porn doesn’t help, of course

Most penis size discussions circle around to the sizes we see in porn. The actors in porn are almost always well above average and porn is often the first, and sometimes only, exposure people get to a variety of penises. Seeing nothing but statistically unlikely penises would skew anyone’s perspective. Not only might it make men think they’re small, it might give their partners unrealistic expectations.

I’ve slept with two men who did porn. One had an average sized penis and did not seem at all insecure. The other had a rather large penis, but spent most of his life believing he was below average. Part of the reason he chose to perform was to erase the stigma of having a small penis…an inaccurate stigma he felt compelled to assign to himself.

Masculinity is fucking vague

I don’t think porn is the big problem. I suspect that more and more people are completely at a loss about how to define masculinity. The definition often seems to be having sex at whim is masculine, thus porn is masculine, thus having a big dick is an important part of masculinity.

While I value masculinity, I think it’s a choice that people make, and you can choose to be masculine even if you do not have a penis at all. I know that having a small penis does not detract from my perception of anyone’s masculinity. It isn’t so ephemeral that one little thing (literally) can take it away.

Bodies matter

I have a strict policy about only dating people who accept and appreciate my body. No one needs to worship every mole and eyelash, but they do have to be enthusiastic about the overall package. My body deserves respect and so does yours. We all have our preferences, but we need to be able to separate fantasy from reality and appreciate the real bodies we encounter.

Treating my partners’ bodies with respect and affection isn’t always enough, but it’s the least I can do. This was a long post about penis size and why it matter and honestly, I’m not sure I had anything more useful to say than this episode of South Park. Still, I hope it helps people understand that penis size matters because confidence matters.

How to Have Sex Naked

“How to enjoy sex when both partners are naked?”

Fire by Armene

Naked bodies do not need to be sexual.
(Photo by Armene.)

Every now and then someone finds my blog by searching for something like “how to have sex naked” and it shocks me every time. Who doesn’t have sex naked? Even when I wear some sort of costume, most of it comes off before we’re through. I thought having sex in the nude was standard behavior.

Apparently I was wrong. It turns out that many, many people are more comfortable having sex while covered, either by clothes, blankets, or darkness. If that is something you enjoy, by all means keep doing what works for you. However most people seem to remain covered because nudity makes them feel insecure or anxious and those feelings lead to some fucking awful sex. I have some tips for how to have sex naked and I hope they lead to better sex.

Enjoy your own naked body

I spend a lot of time naked. I sleep naked. I have sex naked. I visit the local nude beach. I used to have roommates who were nudity friendly, but I live alone now and I rarely wear clothes at home. When I masturbate, I touch my body.

I am one of the many people who find me attractive. I approach sex with respect for both my body and my partner’s body because bodies matter. This seems so basic to me, but those search terms routinely come up.

Look at your body naked. Pay attention to it when you shower and look in the mirror as you’re getting dressed. Take some pictures of it and share them with your lover, your friends, the entire internet, or no one at all. Don’t focus on your imperfections, let yourself appreciate what makes you beautiful.

If you read that last sentence and immediately thought about how unattractive you are, go find a mirror and prove yourself wrong. Now.

Spend time naked in a nonsexual setting

Don't focus on your imperfections. Let yourself appreciate what makes you beautiful.When I was 17 I discovered a clothing-optional women’s music festival just an hour away from my home. I attended for the next eight years, every year until I moved to Nevada, and it changed my life. I was exposed to bodies of all different shapes, sizes, and ages in a loving and supportive environment. As I learned to appreciate other people’s bodies, I learned to love my own.

At 30, I’m still benefiting from that festival and the body-positive attitude I learned there. I am very comfortable being naked and I can be naked and see other naked bodies without immediately sexualizing things. Seeing other women naked in a nonsexual setting made a huge difference in my life.

I realize that spending a week in the woods with naked lesbians is not a practical solution for everyone. However, this is the internet and there are plenty of pictures of naked people around. Try to find a diverse array of bodies and actively try to appreciate something about each body you see, even if it does nothing for you sexually. Start with The Expose Project and The Nu Project for women, and Normal Nudes for everyone. If you know of any male or trans specific sites, please share them in the comments.

Being naked with another person allows you to explore and appreciate their body and it can also teach you to value your own. We tend to judge other people more kindly than we judge ourselves, so seeing that we don’t care about someone else’s stretch marks or stray hairs makes it easier to accept our own.

Try emotional nakedness

It starts with me. I have to be honest with myself before I can be honest with anyone else.There’s another reason I chose “Naked All the Time” as the title of my blog. My propensity for physical nudity is easy to accomplish and it’s fun. However, emotional nakedness is often difficult for me and “Naked All the Time” reminds me to be honest with myself and to acknowledge and act on my feelings.

Once I’m comfortable being vulnerable with someone, physical nakedness is almost automatic. If I can share my feelings with someone, why would I attempt to hide what I look like? It starts with me though; I have to be honest with myself before I can be honest with anyone else.

I try to use this approach when I date. I tell my dates that I’m excited to meet them, or that I had a great time with them, or that I don’t think things are going to work out. I’m honest about how I’m feeling and I try to know the difference between boundaries and barriers.

Obviously good boundaries are important, but it’s not a good idea to hold so much of yourself back that it’s impossible to get to know you. A history, even a brief history, of setting boundaries rather than barriers from the very beginning is one of the first steps to establishing trust. Being willing to be emotionally naked makes for some incredible physical nakedness when the time comes.

The Best Sex and Dating Posts of August 2014

The Best Sex and Dating Posts August 2014I read some amazing blog posts this month and these are the ones that I’m still thinking about. Rori is looking for the best sex blogger post of the year and it is going to be impossible to narrow it down to three.

Did I miss anything? Send me a link to the posts I missed — self-promotion encouraged.

The Dirty Normal

Emily has a fantastic series on how men can compliment women. As that I find compliments fascinating, 1 I think you should check out the entire series:

Vagina Antics

Two from Vagina Antics this month. First, Nikki Blue talks about sex and obligation and how to find a balance. It’s important stuff and she handles it beautifully.

“You didn’t have to fuck me,” I said.

“But I felt like I did.”

And there it was. Regardless of how exhausted or how ill he was, he felt pressured to fuck me to make up for the time we’d been apart; to keep me happy.

For the first time in our relationship, I felt like an obligation– a sex one.

Heather Cole somehow manages to describe her last night with her sir in a way that’s both scintillating and vulnerable.

My cheeks turned scarlet, but I was grinning too. His pleasure and satisfaction with the situation were almost palpable, and I felt an overwhelming sense of pride. I did that for him. On our last night together, I had given him a memory unique to any other experience we had in our collective sexual pasts. I was his girl, and I didn’t know of a better way to show it.

Dr. NerdLove

Harris O’Malley dissects toxic masculinity and how it hurts men, women, and everyone.

See, one of the unspoken tenets of hypermasculinity is that masculinity is an external creation – and that means it’s something that ultimately taken from you. Not just lost, mind you, actively taken.

Not Just Bitchy

Stabbity talks about service and makes me realize that while I love providing service to my partner, I am not a service sub.

I understand that it can be hard to let go of the vision of your ideal relationship, but come on guys. Either you give a shit about the actual living breathing human being you’re in a relationship with or you don’t. If you care more about the fantasy than the person, don’t go acting all surprised when she doesn’t seem to care that much about what you want either.

CAVA Supernova

Cava Supernova is branching out into BDSM and it is ridiculously hot to read about. Make sure you don’t miss part two.

There, sprawled out like a giant starfish and dead to the world, lay six foot three of slumbering 22-year-old.

All arms and legs and tufty bed-hair, he was lying on his back, wearing strangely familiar underwear.

Black knickers.

Black lace knickers with little pink frills.

My knickers.

His morning hard-on had sprung bloke-ishly out of one of the lace-trimmed leg holes.

Girl On the Net

Girl On the Net tackles the fucked up system of using strippers as corporate incentives. Read the comments.

I hope you’ll cry ‘thank Christ for that, I don’t have to live up to this weird cut-out stereotype of masculinity any more.’ I hope you’ll realise that bringing women into an industry and kicking obligatory sex shows out of it is a net win for all of us. And I hope that in fifty years time you look back not on the ‘good old days’ of Pete from Head Office treating you to a lapdance, but the even better days of not feeling forced into some weird misogynist ritual just to prove your worth in the workplace.

 Dumb Domme

The end of a relationship is awful so I really appreciate what Dumb Domme is sharing with us.

The last ring stays on our collar.

If our paths cross again, I want to put our rings back on our collar and put the collar back on the boy. I want him to be my boy again — not forever, but maybe for a little while.

It’s not a promise, it’s not wishful thinking, and it’s not false hope. It’s possibility.

It’s all I’ve got at the moment, and that’s what I’m holding onto.

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