CollarMe – Return to Sender

I’ve used CollarMe.com for a few years now. I use it for actual dates rather than casual sex (Craigslist is far more effective for casual sex) and it does garner me the occasional date…not to mention that the first person I met via CollarMe remains in my top three sexual encounters. However, the entertainment value is unparalleled. Kinky online dating isn’t any different than vanilla online dating, but when kinky online dating goes wrong, it tends to be far worse and far more entertaining. These are real messages I have received over the past few months, unembellished and unedited. Their words in italics.

“Just stopping by to say ‘hi’ once more as everytime i pass your profile i want to reach out. Too bad you are not receptive to what i am looking for….i knjow we’d enjoy.”

He’s 26 years older than me and lives in another state. My profile is very clear that I’m looking for someone close to my age and reasonably local. I object to his passive language — I’m the one who isn’t “receptive” to what he’s looking for, even though he knows “we’d” enjoy. Passivity is not a desirable quality in a dominant partner and I have no reason to think I would enjoy meeting someone so willing to ignore what I want.

“Seeking a real relationship? Thanks for viewing me”

“I am definitely looking for a real relationship. Please tell me more about what’s important to you in a relationship and a partner/submissive?”

“I would love to chat with you about this . I have found so many on this site are seeking endless pen pals and cyber sex.. I am. It interested in either of those things. Would you be interested in chatting on yahoo?”

“I don’t use Yahoo, but I’m happy to chat via Gmail. My email address is [Redacted -- I have a specific email address for online dating and I highly recommend that you do the same.]“

“I dont have gmail yahoo is easy to create a profile.. will you?”

“Actually I’d prefer to get to know one another via CollarMe.”

“Nope tire of game players”

“I offered to chat with you offsite, but you seem to be as interested in signing up for Gmail as I am in signing up for Yahoo. Talking via CollarMe seemed like a reasonable compromise.

“However, your profile now says Denver and that is not a reasonable distance for a real relationship. I’m not sure if you moved or if it’s a temporary thing, but I’m tired of dominants who expect me to cater to them before taking the time to get to know me so it doesn’t really matter.”

“Read my journal. You are just full of excuses”

Asking to chat offsite isn’t a problem, but using Yahoo Messenger and no other chatting platform as part of your criteria for determining genuine interest vs. game playing is an interesting approach. I’ve used YM in the past, but I didn’t like it for a wide variety of reasons, not the least of which was it quickly became a Pacman-like experience of avoiding people on my contacts list that I had no interest in.

She never did explain her location change. Her journal should have been an instant red flag — it was a series of complaints about all the fakes she’d encountered and time she’d wasted. She apparently failed to notice that she was the common denominator in those encounters.

“Hello there you nasty little fuck meat whore, do you wanna be my own private cum dump?”

Points for spelling? He managed to trigger the site’s bulk mail filter — I wasn’t the only one lucky enough to receive this message.

“I’m in Las Vegas now amd thought I would try and see if thetes anyone around worth meeting and viola ! Here you are lol.” [An abundance of personal information redacted -- he did make a real effort to write a quality introductory message.]

“I appreciate the message, but Vegas is hundreds of miles away and I’m looking for someone local.” [His profile says that he lives in Texas, so I assume he was only vacationing in Vegas.]

“Well ok but I sure hope you reconsider, I would be very interested in you. Would you care to at least talk as friends ?”

[a few hours later] “I hope you consider what I said, you really seem to be quite the woman and I had a feeling about you.”

“I appreciate the kind words, but as I stated in my profile, I’m not looking for new friends, I’m looking for someone who can be a part of my life. That is not realistic from this distance.”

[a week later] “We should really talk, i believe that we would be and can be a great match”

I get these messages often; I realize most people can only name one city in Nevada, but I’m actually over 450 miles from Vegas. Regardless, even if I were conveniently located, it’s unlikely that I’d be on call to spice up some random’s weekend. This guy was special because he kept sending me messages expressing his belief in our potential and his desire to at least be friends, even after I pointed out the distance and the disparity in what we were looking for.

“I love training subs like you. You would be micromanaged by me: are you aware of what that entails?”

“Please tell me more about yourself and what you’re looking for. Where are you located?”

“Vegas. We are therefore not that far from each other. Call me Sir.”

“Vegas is over 450 miles away and I am looking for someone local. Also, I do not call complete strangers Sir or any other honorifics. I do not submit to random people from the internet.”

“Modern travel cuts distances, correct? I prefer that protocol be observed.”

I found his remark about modern travel condescending and his demand that I call him “sir” was ridiculous. Immediate demands for honorifics usually come from someone looking to get off rather than establish an actual relationship. The whole insta-sub thing makes it clear that you can’t discern between fantasy and a real live person.

“You look really Sexy and feminine , ! If you are into Sexy European men with a nice accent we could be a match ! I’m a newcomer in [my area] (coming from Florida) talk to you soon ! (I have a cam to prove than i’m REAL) PS .be honest or dont answer , my bullshitometer works fine usually”

[3 days later] “I really don’t message often subs on CM but you look so Sexy and feminine ! If you are into Sexy European men with a cute accent we could be a match ! I’m a newcomer in [my area] (coming from Florida) talk to you soon ! I have a cam to prove than i’m REAL) ..be honest or dont answer , my bullshitometer works fine usually”

“This is the second message you’ve sent me this week and as that they’re nearly identical, I assume you’re sending the same message to many women without actually taking the time to read a profile. I ignored your first message because I found your last sentence, “be honest or dont answer , my bullshitometer works fine usually,” obnoxious and here it is again in your second message.

“You messaged me twice, but between the incredibly poor attitude that last sentence demonstrates and your shallow message (you might be sexy and have a lovely accent, but those things are not my priority) it’s obvious that we’re looking for different things.”

I finally blocked this guy — he contacted me with the same message once every six months or so. I don’t believe anything he claims; some people use the “recently moved” ploy to obtain an online-only relationship. He gets the thrill of someone submitting to him without any of the effort that an actual relationship would require.

“The girl in your profile has a beautiful smile!”

“Thanks!”

“Do you know her?”

“I am the woman in my photos.”

“Forgive me, but that’s very hard to believe.”

“That’s not my problem. You’re across the country and coming off as extremely passive aggressive, so I have no interest in convincing you of anything.”

Ah, the classic attempt to finagle more pictures from me. Also popular is “Someone reported your pictures as fake, please verify.” Right, because sending photos of myself to passive-aggressive strangers will somehow benefit me? These people have access to the internet, thus they have access to porn — I’m not sure I’ll ever really get pic collectors.


Despite the abundance of ridiculousness, these messages are not typical. Most of the messages I receive consist of the “How are you this evening?” variety, with a few quality messages to keep things in balance. Kinky online dating really isn’t much different than vanilla online dating. I’d love to read some of your messages — leave a comment or contact me on Twitter.

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