NSA BDSM: Failure and Success

nsa bdsm spreader bar

This is what happens when you do NSA BDSM the right way.
(Image credit: Wikimedia)

Casual sex and kink is a difficult combination; I need to feel some trust and a connection before I’m willing to participate in kinky sex, which is not easy to achieve in a NSA BDSM situation. I once met someone for some no-strings-attached sex, greeted him with a hug, and immediately knew that I would be safe with him. We went on to have a very enjoyable and very kinky night, but that is far from a common occurrence. So how do you create that connection when it doesn’t happen by magic?

How to fail at NSA BDSM

Recently I turned down a chance to indulge in a full weekend of kinky fun. Friday night I received a text from someone I went on a date with in January; Ed was coming up here for the weekend and wanted to know if he could stay with me. That date was a lot of fun, but it was one date six months ago and we haven’t seen each other since. We’ve exchanged a few texts, but we’ve probably only had one real conversation in the past few months. I was not comfortable having him spend the weekend in my home, especially on two hours notice.

He found a hotel and I made an effort to fit him into my schedule — neither of which was easy on a holiday weekend. Saturday I sent him a text suggesting that we get a drink later that evening. He suggested that we meet at his hotel room so we could get to the kinky portion of the night immediately. I told him I’d rather get a drink and spend a little time talking and getting comfortable before we rushed into kinky sex. He informed me that we did all of that — meaning that he felt our date in January should have been enough.

It’s worth noting that we did not have sex in January, although I probably still would have wanted to spend some time in a vanilla atmosphere first even if we’d had the kind of sex that leaves me wondering if I’ll ever want another man. We had fun and I was into the idea of seeing him again, but we did not have that rare instant connection.

So, on almost no notice, this guy that I’ve met once wants me to drop everything and come submit to him. He seemed to expect NSA BDSM from me, completely at his whim. It didn’t happen and his unwillingness to show me even the slightest consideration has eliminated him from my pool of prospective fuck buddies.

How to get me into bed

A few weeks ago I enjoyed NSA BDSM on a first date. It was similar to last weekend’s debacle in many ways: we met on a kinky dating site, we live in different cities and thus can’t spend much time together, and we haven’t established much trust yet. So why did this guy get laid while the other guy is unlikely to ever hear from me again?

This guy, Jeff, took the time to make me feel at ease with him and did not put any pressure on me whatsoever. We initially agreed to lunch together, nothing more. There was option of more, of course, but absolutely no sense of obligation for either of us.

During lunch we took the time to talk and get to know each other a little better. We talked about a wide variety of subjects and while our conversation steadily grew more personal, it never became sexual. We did decide to spend the afternoon together, but even then we discussed our vanilla options. By the time we left the restaurant, I felt very comfortable with him and happy to spend more time with him.

I also felt like I had a choice about the way we were going to spend the afternoon. This is the important part. With Ed, I could either jump straight into submission or I could choose not to see him. Had there been a few more options — some middle ground — I’m sure we could have had a great weekend. Unfortunately he seemed to be completely inflexible and unwilling to delay gratification long enough to allow me to develop some sort of connection with him.

Jeff took the time to talk to me and to let me get to know him a bit; he gave me options and never put the slightest pressure on me. Shortly after we left the restaurant, we were holding hands and I was excited about the idea of kissing him. We had fun at lunch and we simply continued having fun until I was in a spreader bar and clamps begging him to replace the butt plug with his cock.


To summarize, these steps will help you turn a date into NSA BDSM:

  1. Take the time to establish a connection.
  2. Do not pressure your potential partner.
  3. Offer options and choices rather than just expecting sex.

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